12 years ago you and I

12 years ago today, we celebrated your 46th birthday together over an iftar dinner at home. 

it was the first day of Ramadan 1435 AH.

I made a special beverage for you, one of a few favourite of yours, freshly squeezed orange juice.

one last actual celebration.

but worry not.

you will always have me remember every single details of you.

even at the expense of my own sufferings.

as long as I'm allowed to have this memories.

I will keep it secured in a chest.

a treasure more precious and valuable than that of Qarun's.

wouldn't trade it for the world.

I will live this life forever yearning for you.

maybe that's one way to honour you. 

who would have thought, though...

23 days after celebrating your birthday, I'd have to add another date on my calendar.

the day I dread.

but that's a story for another day.

restarting and reflecting

Assalamualaikum

On the fourth June 2026, I received the result of my posting to be a teacher. The one experience I have also shared before in my previous post, my interview result. The dream came true moment. So here it is, the result came out and I got posted to Johor, specifically SMK Tengku Mahmud Iskandar in Tangkak. Obviously I was shocked because I applied for KL and Selangor. My thought was, it would not be that hard right to get KL or Selangor. But Allah S.W.T. got other plan for me. Johor is so far away, I have nobody else there, my friends are all in KL. I cried as the reality slowly creeping in.

بسم الله ماشاء الله

As I stepped my foot here, it is full with mixed feelings. I kind of like how it is almost like where I came from, the slow kampung life tucked away from the city, but still got everything I would possibly need. Just the loneliness without all the familiar faces. The price I have to pay. However, the people I have met so far are all so kind, helpful and warm, which got me thinking this is exactly one of the du'a I prayed for. Plus, even though I got posted in Johor, I got to be in Tangkak which is just two hours away from KL and Selangor too. Just because of one inconvenience I dismissed another goodness laid upon my eyes. How ungrateful one could be :') 

This place is going to be my home for the next few years, I hope despite every challenges I would have to encounter it's going to shape me to be the person I need to be. For sure will broaden my views of meeting people out of my actual comfort zone. And like my colleagues have told me, teaching while studying needs me to be strong. I know I could, because I know someone's stronger than me who hustles days and nights while also excels his exam <3

p/s: we're all in this together (high school musical fans wya)

South Korea, February 2026 - Part I

Assalamualaikum, annyeong.

It's long overdue but as promised here I am a month after my last post, writing on my recent trip to South Korea. I have been missing this place a lot lately so I figured it's time for me to relive the moment again.

it's happening! 

I remember when I screenshot this screen on my phone, it feels surreal. My first trip abroad was about to happen! I was nervous but excited at the same time. 

meet Nurina & Waiz
(they're siblings)

Took a plane from KBR to KUL T1 with them. Waiz was my primary school friend and we started to reconnect again late last year and it's my first time meeting Nurina which I was quite nervous because we were going to be roomates but it turns out so well :>

off we go :)

terbang, 

terbang tinggi 

walau tanah di kaki,

kan ku cari langit.

terbang,

terbang tinggi,

awan biru menanti,

bersama pelangi.

Upon our arrival at KLIA Terminal 1, we collected our luggage and went to pray jama' taqdim before we hopped on a free shuttle bus to Terminal 2 because our flight to South Korea is operated by Air Asia.

Have you guys watched The Amazing Race? the transition to Terminal 2 feels exactly like I was on the show lollll. With my two luggage some more I have to bring them down the escalator and hopped on the packed shuttle bus it was like a core workout because I have to guard the luggage from sliding around T.T (sape suruh bawak dua luggage rasain lo) anyways, I survived with the help of Waiz hahaha

makan first @ oriental kopi

had late lunch while also waiting for Iman (Waiz's friend from degree days) to arrive.

the unexpected group.
Waiz, Iman, me & Nurina

Narnia door. See you guys on the other side of the world.

p/s: bye!

26 on 28.

It's been so long

That I haven't seen your face

I'm tryna be strong

But the strength I have is washing away.

First thing on my mind when I tried writing again today because it has been almost a month since I last wrote here!!!!! I'm so inconsistent and I actually contemplate a lot when I don't have much stuffs to do. I think I'm more productive when I have an actual daily routine, like I strive on repetitive schedule? is it an ADHD traits? (self diagnosed btw)

Anyways, I turned 26 years old on 28 of March. Twenty six sounds serious. But I don't know if I'm taking life seriously (maybe I am). I used to, I'm capable of being responsible of my own life but when I'm at home I feel like I'm not 26, I'm 6 instead. Twenty six years old used to be so distant, at one point in life I questioned myself will I ever reached 26? Yet here I am. However, when I was younger I envisioned myself being stable at this age. I am in fact not stable (yet). hahaha. I'm getting there though. 

Time and time again life has always never failed to humble me and my plannings. Yep one can only planned. In the meantime, be kind to yourself. Well, I know it's repetitive of me to say that, but what more can I do? Trust is a mindset and that's all I can do right now. Look around, look at your childhood pictures, home and hobbies. There's so much potential you carry. There's so much more of you than all those high hopes that will eventually drains you. It's okay if you are taking a little bit more time, this is life, as long as you're moving forward then there's nothing wrong with it. 

Slow down and rediscover yourself. Yep, that's going to be my 26.

do it for this kid inside you :>

p/s: smile looks good on you.

on this day, time stops forever.

Assalamualaikum and Salam Ramadan day 27 ^-^

25 Ramadan 1435.

The day abah left this dunya forever. I was fourteen years old, people would say I was too young to handle grief. But at that moment grief was not just a feeling, it was an experience I have to get through every single day supporting my mother and other younger siblings. It means I have to be an adult even before my age. I have to put away my own feelings and emotion and carried the day as though as I can. That's when I own a brown journal that I write things when I'm sad. Sharing my own emotion was not an option because others were going through a lot too, so a journal that I can let out my sadness would suffice. Little did I know it becomes a part of my personality until this day. 

Looking back through the early days, it was hard and it feels like I lived on autopilot. I made it to 12 years though at what cost? Abah could not be there for my PT3, SPM, STPM results, degree days and my convocation ceremony. That ceremony I hold my tears as far as I can knowing I would burst if I let it get to me. Thankfully I did not have time to think much. I have to drive from kel-kl on sunday for my ceremony on monday, and drove again the next day from kl-kel. But this one thought I fear most keeps lingering at the back of my head. The day that is going to be my Nikkah. I might not have anything planned but the what ifs is killing me already. Knowing abah did not get to be my wali breaks me. He's the only one I want and he would not be there? it's going to be my happiest and saddest day of my life. 

p/s: I remember I used to look at the sky a lot thinking it would fall down soon because abah has passed away and there is no way I could live, I thought the world was about to end.

Living in an answered prayer

Assalamualaikum and Salam Ramadan day 22 ^-^

The month of Ramadan flew by so fast that we are already entering the last ten days! masyaAllah and alhamdulillah for this opportunity again. I absolutely love the vibes I get during Ramadan, everyone are extra loving and grateful, which is great. I hope people will never forget the softness that this month has bring upon us and continue to cherish it in the next month too, insyaAllah.

By the way, remember I told you I was waiting for an interview result to become a teacher? The results came out ten days ago. Alhamdulillah praised be to Allah, with His wills I passed the interview :') After all, He knew what's best for me so He put me to walk in this path, to be an educator that I hope would bring benefits to Islam as well as to myself. 

I have this one biggest secret that I think I can finally share it here hehe. I loved sharing, anything at all as long as others would benefit from it. At one point in life, yes I used to say I want to be an educator. After SPM, I applied for IPG and went to sit for UKCG test. But I failed that stage. I also went to an interview for Foundation in TESL after SPM and I did not succeed too. Came STPM, counsellors and Umi asked me to apply for education course. I said no because I do not want to go through the same rejection again. But truth to be told? I still applied for TESL at UPM and got an online interview. Again, it also went down the drain hahaha. I got accepted to study Human Sciences (English Language & Literature) in IIUM instead. Don't get me wrong, it's my dream university and course too but I just want to try for education one last time. So I got my answer, I thought teaching was not for me.

However, I could not lie to myself. During my second year in university, I joined a mentoring club that bonded with primary school pupils from three different schools. We did so many programs and activities with them. I enjoyed being a part of it very much. Even then, my secondary school friends still contacted me to ask me about English when they need help to do their assignment of MUET exam. Like I said before, I enjoyed teaching them so much and the ecstasy I get when they said it's easy to understand after I teach them :') I love the connection I get with each other so much. But, I'm still scared of rejection, so I thought maybe I belong to work behind the scene, I'm an introvert, being an editor would suit me since it involves little to no contact with people. 

And then I got accepted as a Junior Editor at a company that produce secondary school's teaching aid. I was assigned to edit and create additional content for several subjects. Every single time, I keep having this thought to myself, "I could teach this so easily to make the students understand" "I know tips and tricks for easier learning experience". Little did I know, being an introvert does not mean I should shut myself out from people. Being an introvert also means you are emphatic with a high emotional intelligence that allows you to read your surroundings before anybody else. And that is, in my opinion, a trait that educators should have to be able to understand students with different needs in a class to make sure you could deliver the best education for them. 

Hence, I believe that rejection that I have encountered before is a redirection I needed most. To make sure I know my worth and capabilities that I have so much to offer. More importantly, Allah sees you and Allah knows best. And I will forever be grateful for this eye opening opportunity.

بِسْمِ اللهِ مَاشَاءَ اللهُ

p/s: May Allah reward us with His utmost blessings for every sweat we drop throughout Ramadan in the pursuit of rizq.

Book Reflection: Longing for God's Closeness by Ayesha Syahira

Assalamualaikum and Salam Ramadan day 6 ^-^

Since it's the blessed month of Ramadan, I kinda want to write something more beneficial to us all so I decided to do a book review of a book that I recently finished reading. I actually started reading this book in November (if I'm not mistaken) but only get to finished the last chapter of the book a day before Ramadan. Thanks to my cousin Solehah who offered me her mysiswa coupon so I get three books worth RM100 for free and all she claimed back from me was just a cup of Chagee hehehehe <3

When I started reading this book I was at a state of finding peace. My work life during that time was heavy and lonely, I needed something that could sooth me, tender words from human that went through something similar I would say. This book helps me so much in terms of finding inner peace and comfort.

Through all the five chapters of this book, it does not feel like a chore at all, in fact, I needed to read it. Ayesha Syahira surely knows how to write while also still connects, do you get what I mean? The feeling when you read the book and finally you feel seen. We struggles the same, and trying all the same to be better. It's like a best friend you needed the most. 

The main essence of the book is discussing Salah. Yes, it's one of the Pillar of Islam, you would think it's too heavy to discuss casually right? But no, the author's writing truly captured the beauty of connection with Allah through Salah without over thinking it. What I mean here is that, it's great that we think of Salah seriously but not to the point it started to overwhelmed us because we keep thinking we are not kind or good enough to start. Instead, we should start doing it slowly. Consistently. Because Allah always knows your intentions and see you trying. That's it. Keep trying every day. That's what I have been holding on ever since I started reading this book. I learn to slow my pace down and took my time properly. 

Sometimes, simplicity is all that we need. It's true, live life in moderation, in every essence of life. Because we are all human, we tend to break too, so it's okay as long you did not go far from His path. Remember to reset your intention, to review your life goals. And I like to remind this again and again, take it slow. In a world of efficiency, do not rush your Salah. That's your actual break time to collect your thoughts and go face the world again. As long as you have put your life intentions towards Allah, there's nothing that can stop you :)

p/s: to those who have worked hard, I'm so proud of you! Keep going ^-^

Life has a way to surprise you

Hellooo-oooo-oooo~ (echoes) readers, probably just one person hahahaha

I'm back in one piece, safe and sound.

As per my postings on my social medias recently, yes I went to South Korea!!!!!!!! A dream come true moment #2. I do planned to write a full story version of the travelling but it's not today okies. Today I want to share how did I got there in the first place (by plane duhhh, but like the thoughts behind it) ok let's get to it.

Initially, I was supposed to go to Singapore mid January, however the trip has to be cancelled due to unforeseen circumstances. My friend had an emergency so we have to cancelled it for now. Thankfully no bookings were made yet, so close though! But I did went to get my first ever passport early January to prepare for the trip. I absolutely did not have any other trip in mind after the trip to Singapore was cancelled. 

Surprisingly, my primary school friend Wirtz-iz Danial (:p) decided to ask me to join his trip to South Korea two weeks before the trip happened. Together with his sister and his degree friend, off we gooooo! Yes, it was such a last minute decision but it all went so smoothly alhamdulillah. I'm still in awe that I get to have my first trip abroad. The preparation of the trip? Quite a rush but I actually enjoyed every moment of anticipation and the nervousness for the trip to happen. I mean, I don't want another cancelled trip xD But if He wills, He wills.

Which leads to why I started to write here again, my grateful journey. I don't know how to properly worded it but I feel so amused with His timings. It fell into places, one by one, I'm not even planning or thinking about it at the first place...but if that's what meant for me? will find me. MasyaAllah.

And I'm so in need of the comfort of fate because I'm still waiting for my interview results after months of interviewing. So afraid of how the results would turns out, yes. But like I said, what's meant for me will find me, and just like that I feel at ease again. 

Because either way, I still win. I will.

p/s: Ramadan Mubarak to all :) let this blessed month be the reason you want to keep going and finding meaning to be a better version of yourself. Above all else, take it slow. ok? :))

it's giving Salam Perantauan

who are you (2026) iykyk~

It has been ten days since my last entry. Time sure fliessss huh :0  I'm preparing for my cousin's wedding maybe that's why.

Have you watch K-drama titled Who Are You School (2015)? It's one of my all time favourite!! Even though my entry's title today is similar to the drama's but today's story is definitely not about my long lost twin or whatever. I'm just running out of ideas for the title so I figured this would do :3 anyways I'm team Lee Eun-bi & Gong Tae-kwang!!!!!!!!! #secondleadsyndrome

Actually I wanna talk about my nicknames today hahahaha hence the title. For quite a short name, for some reason I do have quite a number of nicknames lolll. Let me list them all (piya, fiya, sya, syaf, fiyy) I would say my friends fully utilize the name of Syafiya xD The nicknames depends on the group of friends, for example netball friends during primary, secondary school & STPM friends would call me piya. Degree friends call me fiya, some would also call me syaf. Alesya calls me fiyy (the only special one hehe) and at one point of life there's also a friend that called me sya during secondary school. 

I don't mind whichever any of you wants to call me hahaha. Howeverrrr, my favourite is actually Syafiya... which actually leads me to writing this story because I bumped into my primary school friend just now hahah. Well, as far as I remember, my primary school friends always addressed me as Syafiya before if I look back, even if after I met them yearsss later they would still call me Syafiya. I know I said netball friends from primary school would call me piya but it's because that's how I got the nickname hahahahaha. My netball coach actually started calling me piya, because Syafiya is obviously too long to be called while you're running across the court back and forth lol. So that's that.

So the point of this entry is, I bumped into a primary school friend just now while buying for some groceries, he was with his son and he was like "Eh, Syafiya!". It was such a short encounter but it just reminded me of my other name which is Syafiya that's barely used hahhahaha. I was like, oh right I'm Syafiya like???? dygwim.

Okay but then I'm reminded of this one nickname from primary school that has been buried hsjshadhdhjagdsh. Did you know I was once called Messi :) yes, that Lionel Messi lollllll. So the story was, some of my primary school classmates parent's used to teach at the same school with my Abah. Sometimes when there was a Family Day for the school, we'd bumped into each other (of course). And then there was once when I joined a game during the family day which requires me to dribble a ball and I won, and then the said classmate (I still remember who, his name started with A) HAHAHA I would not mention though, he started calling me Messi in class the next day -__- (classic primary school behaviour hsshshs). Basically I joined almost all the games (duhh my Abah was the pk-koku of course I live up to the name bhahaha) So that's that lol fun times.

p/s: ummm I prefer Cristiano Ronaldo :p

baking therapy? baking therapy.

Some of you might have seen enough postings of me sharing my baking therapy journey at this point :p Some might even had a taste of the freshly baked goods I have made (hope it tasted delicious and did not cause any of you guys diarrhea). Anyways, how did I even get to this point where I enjoyed baking? maybe because I simply love desserts and the intricacy of doing it. But it actually because I'm excited to see how it turns out. Will it be pretty or will it taste good or not?

If you think I am always good at baking, trust me I am not...lol

A quick history check, for the longest time, my Umi has always enjoyed baking. We had a small oven and a mixer at home ever since I was small. She would make us siblings chocolate cakes for occasions in school. Imagine this, three of us went to the same primary school, so of course we would celebrate Eid on the same day right? Yes, my Umi baked three chocolate cakes a day for us to bring to school potluck the next day! (thanks Umi <3) this is such a core memories growing up. My Umi has always been a great cook too (which I am not <yet> as interested in as baking hehe). I also went to a secondary school that my Abah teaches, and when I say during every teachers potluck his female colleagues even requested a certain dessert (triffle pudding) for my Umi to make, I am not lying hahahha (because I am the one who would bring it to the teachers' room lol).

The first time I attempted at making a dessert? I'd say during primary school when I tried making the OG Kek Batik. That weekend my whole family went back to my grandma's house in KB because my Abah had a meeting there. So to surprise him after coming back from the meeting, my sister and I tried making Kek Batik. I could recall my excitement vividly, from buying the ingredients at the nearby kedai runcit to sitting on the counter top while making it because I was not that tall yet hahaha. Fun times. 

Also, during ERT class in school when I was fifteen years old. (which was not a success lmaooo) I forgot who was my team during that time but I'm sorry for falling short T.T) Basically the theme was some kind of batter related, so my idea was to make a pancake with a chocolate syrup on top. What was my thought process during that time? (I swear I thought the batter would just be like lempeng so it will be easy HAHAHAHA) In some way it is kinda the same but not really. Anyways, I have always watched (keyword: watch) Umi made the chocolate ganache for the chocolate cake using double boil technique but I have never really tried doing it. When I tried it in class, the chocolate becomes so thick lolllll it was in fact not edible!!! Long story short it was a huge fail xD.

Then it was a burnt cheesecake using an airfryer. Tried making this after SPM days, the first KhairulAming recipe I tried (I deserve a spot at Rembayung for this fr). It tasted delicious but I did not check the center of the cake properly whether it was well cooked or not so I kinda distorted the shape hahshdhajhsahgh. I mean, I also only learned how to cook megi during this post-SPM era :3 

Overtime, I find this unexpected hobby of mine very therapeutic. Especially when I already planned which baking dish from Umi's collection I would use :p (is this the age talking.........) Anyways, the not-so-fun part would be the cleaning after, but I try to clean as I go so it will not be as overwhelming :))

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

p/s: brownie white choc & classic soft cookies, buttercheese cake, kek batik indulgence, 

choc chip banana bread, matcha soft cookies & matcha burnt cheesecake.

p.s.s: cunha, bruno, cunha, bruno, cunha, bruno, luke shaw, cunha~~~~~~~~ 

up the reds!

There goes the FA Cup down the drain...lol T.T  we lose 1-2 against Brighton earlier this morning. As a fan I don't even know if this club can be saved :( but I am going to remain hopeful regardless!!!! 

That being said, let's continue our grateful series number two :)

Let's start with how I eventually become a fan of Manchester United. Growing up, I have always looked up to my Abah (al-Fatihah) so much. We were best friends. He's the best Abah ever, like he's so cool, so kind & so everything. He's the perfect father figure for me. My Abah was a Man United and football fan for the longest time. So he subscribed for a full sports packaged ever since idk the earliest Astro era? back when we could play penguin games on Astro, back when Astro ceria was at channel 24. I prolly was seven or eight at that time. (I still continue this subscription till this day because then where else could I watch those unlimited sports channel righttt. couldn't live without badminton, f1, football, hockey, sepak takraw and all those world cup, the commonwealth games etc etc) (I hate Astro though so pricey)

Aight let's get back to the point. So every game night, my Abah would let us siblings know that for example "at 10 pm Abah wants to watch united vs qpr" so on so forth. And then us sibling would stop watching cartoons and watched the game together when it hits 10 pm. That's how I got accustomed to watching football hahaha. After all those years of course I would be a fan, how could I not, right? I also have three younger brothers that my Abah bought a set of jersey each for them. Still remember the name at the back of the jerseys, Rooney, Berbatov and Owen. Good old squad. Actually I could relate to those old squad rather than these days. When I was eleven to thirteen that's when I really really try to understand the game, watching and asking my Abah why is it like that and why is it like so. Thankfully he was patient enough to answer all of my questions hahaha

Those simple moments will be forever etched in my memories, especially after the passing of Abah. Hence why those old squad feels closer to me, because that was the squad I shared my memories with Abah. When Cristiano Ronaldo was back at Old Trafford in 2021, I probably shed a lil weeee bit of tears watching that game. I imagined his reaction watching that return, but it was just me all alone. You see, me and this club, it wasn't casual lol. It's nostalgia and I'm the victim of nostalgia which leads to this pic below;

dream came true moment!! May 2025.

I have always dreamt of watching football games at the stadium. Guess what, the first one was a friendly game between Manchester United vs ASEAN All Stars. I know it wasn't even the prem or some important match but like I said, I am the victim of nostalgia and so there I was ;) To top it off, united lost that game HAHAHA full experience of being a fan of united frrrrr. anyways....that's that. Maybe my next stadium experience will be at Old Trafford who knows (please sponsor me jaebal juseyo anyone).

p/s: let me quote this song from Taylor bcs it always reminds me of myself when I'm missing my dad.

Losing him was blue, like I'd never known

Missing him was dark gray, all alone
Forgetting him was like trying to know
Somebody you never met
But loving him was red
Loving him was red

A year of gratefulness and mindfulness.

It's the year 2026. Sounds so...serious.

Have I been the same through all these years? Physically, maybe. Not mentally, no. 

Mentally I'm different now. I feel the difference especially the way I perceive things and carry myself. Thanks to the experience living six hours, hundred of kilometers away from home, I'm not afraid to accept things that comes my way. Sometimes, it is what it is even though you have to wipe your own tears while doing so. It's just a part of being strong, or so I would call, a part of being grateful.

So here I am this year, to count my blessings of the previous years to reflect the goodness behind every chapters I have gone through. One by one, I'll let myself revisits those memories be it happy or sad. To remind myself (or even all of you who are reading this) that life is not that serious, take it easy because at the end of the day I will manage. You will manage, too. Eventually. So allow yourself to weep, be happy, confused or even mad, just don't let it consume your thought and be mindful with what you are doing. Always.

I graduated in October 2024 and got my first job in July 2025. 9 months. So long, I know. I have gone through countless realization since. So, so, so many what if's during that time. 

here's 24 y/o me not knowing what life will unfold hahaha

Anyways, during that time I will go to my grandma's house during the day until my aunt's back from her workplace at around eight at night. Countless of job hunting, sometimes I attend free online courses from the government. Countless of going back and forth to KL too to attend interviews. Behind my resilience, there's my whole family's supporting without pressuring me, which I am ever so grateful. It's not always rainbows of course. At one point I lose hope too, I was tired and started to question my self worth. But that's when I started to learn how to better connect with my (our) Creator. Slowly I began to accept the 'He is the best planner' more than just a phrase. And because of that, I could never resent this phase of my life because it has surely shaped me to be a better individual today.

p/s: there's always things to be grateful of. Even in the simplest moments. :) 

thomas and his friends (adult's version)

Every 31st December each year starting in 2021, I dedicated this day to write the recap of the year in words. I realized I have been living life on fast mode so perhaps with this little initiative I am able to pause and ponder on what I have achieved so far and how far life has shaped me as a person. From 2021 until 2024, I wrote in my little journal. But this year I want to give this honour to my blog. Because blogging have been a part of me since 2013, but I guess life took me a different turn for a while but I'm back.

Mid year through 2025, I had the opportunity to start my first ever adult job as a Junior Editor. I have longed for that position for a while now, and I enjoyed every bits of the experience be it good or bad. However, even I couldn't predict that December 2nd the same year was my last day. It was not an easy decision for me, but I didn't decide it alone. Safe to say, I'm not afraid of the decision or even regretted it.

So what's the correlation with the integrated transit map? I worked in Klang Valley, so every weekend if I could, I prefer the train, and lucky enough the house I rented was just 5 minutes away from an MRT station. Hence I got the opportunity to fully utilize it to explore the city center. 

Let's get to the point though...It's approaching midnight hahaha

You know, the transit map is so integrated right, connecting different mode of transportations. For example, if I'm taking the Green line, I can exchange it at a specific station and hop on the Yellow line next. Before I knew it I can also hop on to the Orange. And wherever you go in that map, you can always find a way back again, somehow, some way.

While you're riding the train, you're also obviously not alone. There's gonna be others around you, but do you have to hop off at the same station as them? No. You have your own destination so why would you? Right...to each their own.

Sometimes the train's not even on time and need to be rescheduled. Sometimes the approaching train is not the correct coach for you to get in. Sometimes the train needs to be sent back to the depot. But above all that, the trains keep on running even there are hiccups, carrying souls that yearns for something only they know. 

More importantly, not all the stations are meant for you to go at the first place.

This is not about trains.

p/s: hey rapidkl tiktok, do you want to collab... lol

starting over; re-thinking, re-living.

I started finding out about blogs when I was eleven years old, fourteen years ago. A classmate introduced it to me one time at a computer lab in primary school. Ever since then, I started reading blogs religiously, reading update from those bloggers I followed. The bloggers at that time were the influencers of their time. I still followed some of their account on different social medias now, most of them are now mommy-fluencers! How time flies.

During that time, I dreamed of becoming just like them, going places and sharing interesting stories while also being a university student. But when I started writing on my own blogs, I was barely thirteen, I got no interesting or even fresh ideas to share. I don't have any niche stories. So I posted what they usually posted, recipes and fashion tutorials. However, I wasn't so dedicated to that, it doesn't feel real, none of my friends at secondary school could relate to me (which I get them, we're supposed to study, not being on the computers so much hehe :p) so I always thought, oh I can't wait to be an adult so I could do all these things.

Well, I'm 25 years old now. I have experienced many things, graduated from the university, work life & unemployment again after resigning recently. But there's one thing I forget. I forget that I once dreamed of being an adult, I am now, but do I absolutely living it to the fullest? Or dwell again due to things I do not (yet) achieve? yes and no.

In the span of one year after graduating, I learned the biggest lesson in my life which is letting god. I'm sure at one point in our life people would advise us to trust and let Allah do the rest for us after making a prayer. And here comes the question, do we really? For me, I was not quite, others perception affects me too much. However, I'm a different person now. I fully grasped the understanding of letting god.

It comes with a price I'm willing to pay. So now, I'm going to appreciate what I have around me. More importantly, to not rush myself. Which I find it the hardest because growing up, I like to make a plan, for years ahead. But now I know that my timing and His timing is not the same, and He is indeed the best planner. I am at peace with myself now knowing I put my life hundred percent in His care, not just blindly, but while also upgrading my knowledge about it too.

So, as this year move towards the end of December, I'm not leaving the year as it is. I will be carrying all the lessons I have learned together with me into 2026.

And for all the years I have lived on auto-pilot, I promise I will relive them back and write bits of everything here,

For my thirteen-year-old me. 

when life gives you lemon, make lemon cake.

 my last post here was when I was 19.

19 year-old me would never guess the life she will partake.

heck, even 25 year-old me in January would never guess it.

It is a journey that I dare say; humbling. But more importantly, full of lessons.

As I stood in darkness tonight, recalling the past encounters, of who I was, many many years ago...

So this year, I learnt to let go of the people and memories that wasn't meant to be.

which is so brave of me, because knowing myself I could never let go of those friendship even when it feels one sided. I keep them still deep in my archive. Locked. 

But I have gotten so good at accepting that not everyone are meant to stay. That it is okay to lose certain people and memories. Because the more I hold on to the rope without even being lifted, the more my hands bleed. So, I let go of the rope and bracing the fall instead. Which isn't so bad, because there's a safety platform waiting for me as I brace for impact.

This journey didn't happened overnight. And most certainly ain't easy too. 

But this year, I truly lived despite what's coming for me. I take it all in. 

I do not know where I stand right now, what stage I am in, all I want to do now is trust. Him.

Let go. Let God. As they say. 

Careless

when I was alone
I realised I was not really alone
Things kept running across my mind
questioned this and that
why me?
of all people
I asked and asked
little did I know
I was so careless about a thing
a thing called faith
that determines who I am
I realised then..
that I'm indeed careless.

(From my everyday notes, Sat, 10/2/2018)

Questions...

"why do people have to create chaos?
why don't they try to solve the problem?
what makes them into the chaos?
why?and  again I ask why?
Is it a part of human being? act without even thinking?
or overthinking?
can't we just stay together?
together doing all the works, chores out there...
without worrying what will happen.
we can just do our own work, to make it work!
nobody would ever ask why  the world is peace
but
everybody will forever ask why the world is setting up a war?
a big one.
is that really nessasary?
really?"
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