26 on 28.

It's been so long

That I haven't seen your face

I'm tryna be strong

But the strength I have is washing away.

First thing on my mind when I tried writing again today because it has been almost a month since I last wrote here!!!!! I'm so inconsistent and I actually contemplate a lot when I don't have much stuffs to do. I think I'm more productive when I have an actual daily routine, like I strive on repetitive schedule? is it an ADHD traits? (self diagnosed btw)

Anyways, I turned 26 years old on 28 of March. Twenty six sounds serious. But I don't know if I'm taking life seriously (maybe I am). I used to, I'm capable of being responsible of my own life but when I'm at home I feel like I'm not 26, I'm 6 instead. Twenty six years old used to be so distant, at one point in life I questioned myself will I ever reached 26? Yet here I am. However, when I was younger I envisioned myself being stable at this age. I am in fact not stable (yet). hahaha. I'm getting there though. 

Time and time again life has always never failed to humble me and my plannings. Yep one can only planned. In the meantime, be kind to yourself. Well, I know it's repetitive of me to say that, but what more can I do? Trust is a mindset and that's all I can do right now. Look around, look at your childhood pictures, home and hobbies. There's so much potential you carry. There's so much more of you than all those high hopes that will eventually drains you. It's okay if you are taking a little bit more time, this is life, as long as you're moving forward then there's nothing wrong with it. 

Slow down and rediscover yourself. Yep, that's going to be my 26.

do it for this kid inside you :>

p/s: smile looks good on you.

on this day, time stops forever.

Assalamualaikum and Salam Ramadan day 27 ^-^

25 Ramadan 1435.

The day abah left this dunya forever. I was fourteen years old, people would say I was too young to handle grief. But at that moment grief was not just a feeling, it was an experience I have to get through every single day supporting my mother and other younger siblings. It means I have to be an adult even before my age. I have to put away my own feelings and emotion and carried the day as though as I can. That's when I own a brown journal that I write things when I'm sad. Sharing my own emotion was not an option because others were going through a lot too, so a journal that I can let out my sadness would suffice. Little did I know it becomes a part of my personality until this day. 

Looking back through the early days, it was hard and it feels like I lived on autopilot. I made it to 12 years though at what cost? Abah could not be there for my PT3, SPM, STPM results, degree days and my convocation ceremony. That ceremony I hold my tears as far as I can knowing I would burst if I let it get to me. Thankfully I did not have time to think much. I have to drive from kel-kl on sunday for my ceremony on monday, and drove again the next day from kl-kel. But this one thought I fear most keeps lingering at the back of my head. The day that is going to be my Nikkah. I might not have anything planned but the what ifs is killing me already. Knowing abah did not get to be my wali breaks me. He's the only one I want and he would not be there? it's going to be my happiest and saddest day of my life. 

p/s: I remember I used to look at the sky a lot thinking it would fall down soon because abah has passed away and there is no way I could live, I thought the world was about to end.

Living in an answered prayer

Assalamualaikum and Salam Ramadan day 22 ^-^

The month of Ramadan flew by so fast that we are already entering the last ten days! masyaAllah and alhamdulillah for this opportunity again. I absolutely love the vibes I get during Ramadan, everyone are extra loving and grateful, which is great. I hope people will never forget the softness that this month has bring upon us and continue to cherish it in the next month too, insyaAllah.

By the way, remember I told you I was waiting for an interview result to become a teacher? The results came out ten days ago. Alhamdulillah praised be to Allah, with His wills I passed the interview :') After all, He knew what's best for me so He put me to walk in this path, to be an educator that I hope would bring benefits to Islam as well as to myself. 

I have this one biggest secret that I think I can finally share it here hehe. I loved sharing, anything at all as long as others would benefit from it. At one point in life, yes I used to say I want to be an educator. After SPM, I applied for IPG and went to sit for UKCG test. But I failed that stage. I also went to an interview for Foundation in TESL after SPM and I did not succeed too. Came STPM, counsellors and Umi asked me to apply for education course. I said no because I do not want to go through the same rejection again. But truth to be told? I still applied for TESL at UPM and got an online interview. Again, it also went down the drain hahaha. I got accepted to study Human Sciences (English Language & Literature) in IIUM instead. Don't get me wrong, it's my dream university and course too but I just want to try for education one last time. So I got my answer, I thought teaching was not for me.

However, I could not lie to myself. During my second year in university, I joined a mentoring club that bonded with primary school pupils from three different schools. We did so many programs and activities with them. I enjoyed being a part of it very much. Even then, my secondary school friends still contacted me to ask me about English when they need help to do their assignment of MUET exam. Like I said before, I enjoyed teaching them so much and the ecstasy I get when they said it's easy to understand after I teach them :') I love the connection I get with each other so much. But, I'm still scared of rejection, so I thought maybe I belong to work behind the scene, I'm an introvert, being an editor would suit me since it involves little to no contact with people. 

And then I got accepted as a Junior Editor at a company that produce secondary school's teaching aid. I was assigned to edit and create additional content for several subjects. Every single time, I keep having this thought to myself, "I could teach this so easily to make the students understand" "I know tips and tricks for easier learning experience". Little did I know, being an introvert does not mean I should shut myself out from people. Being an introvert also means you are emphatic with a high emotional intelligence that allows you to read your surroundings before anybody else. And that is, in my opinion, a trait that educators should have to be able to understand students with different needs in a class to make sure you could deliver the best education for them. 

Hence, I believe that rejection that I have encountered before is a redirection I needed most. To make sure I know my worth and capabilities that I have so much to offer. More importantly, Allah sees you and Allah knows best. And I will forever be grateful for this eye opening opportunity.

بِسْمِ اللهِ مَاشَاءَ اللهُ

p/s: May Allah reward us with His utmost blessings for every sweat we drop throughout Ramadan in the pursuit of rizq.