on this day, time stops forever.

Assalamualaikum and Salam Ramadan day 27 ^-^

25 Ramadan 1435.

The day abah left this dunya forever. I was fourteen years old, people would say I was too young to handle grief. But at that moment grief was not just a feeling, it was an experience I have to get through every single day supporting my mother and other younger siblings. It means I have to be an adult even before my age. I have to put away my own feelings and emotion and carried the day as though as I can. That's when I own a brown journal that I write things when I'm sad. Sharing my own emotion was not an option because others were going through a lot too, so a journal that I can let out my sadness would suffice. Little did I know it becomes a part of my personality until this day. 

Looking back through the early days, it was hard and it feels like I lived on autopilot. I made it to 12 years though at what cost? Abah could not be there for my PT3, SPM, STPM results, degree days and my convocation ceremony. That ceremony I hold my tears as far as I can knowing I would burst if I let it get to me. Thankfully I did not have time to think much. I have to drive from kel-kl on sunday for my ceremony on monday, and drove again the next day from kl-kel. But this one thought I fear most keeps lingering at the back of my head. The day that is going to be my Nikkah. I might not have anything planned but the what ifs is killing me already. Knowing abah did not get to be my wali breaks me. He's the only one I want and he would not be there? it's going to be my happiest and saddest day of my life. 

p/s: I remember I used to look at the sky a lot thinking it would fall down soon because abah has passed away and there is no way I could live, I thought the world was about to end.